Liz the Sue Slayer's Adventures In Middle Earth
by Pyrefly07
Summary: This is a parody of the pitfalls of fanfic. We're in Middle Earth. Liz is from Bree. She's been there all her life, never seeing the outside world, but now she must travel to Minas Tirith. Just what oddities will she meet on the way?
1. Setting Out from Bree

**The Sue-Slayer's adventures in Middle Earth**

Authors Note: This is a story I decided to write after thinking for a while on an interesting parody idea. What if there was an original character, being thrown into different universes as if she's been there all along, given nothing that would have her stand out from anyone else in that fandom universe. She is nothing special, yet she manages to come upon some of the most 'interesting' characters who just don't seem to fit her world. And then she watches as each one of those characters are brought right back down to the reality they seemed to be so above.

Disclaimer: I don't own Middle Earth, or any of the creatures or characters that are mentioned in Lord of the Rings, whether from the books or movies. Those belong to their respective creators. I only own Liz and I claim no ownership to the parodies in this story, as they aren't based on anyone in particular but are commonplace enough that I can't say I came up with who they're based on.

She woke up with a huff, letting out a whiny squeal before falling off of the bed. How? Well somehow she'd wound up right on the edge...she was never really a peaceful sleeper. She just moved around too much; she was like a puppy who imagined he was running and wound up rolling all over the floor. Liz sniffed before sitting up with a groan, and rubbing her back. She landed hard that time. Anyways, she had a lot to do today; she would be starting out on a nice long journey. She needed to meet family in Gondor, and she was all the way in Bree! She had a long way to go. And of course no one would miss her. Why not? Well...why would they when she wasn't anything beyond a simple girl in the countryside? She was no great elven queen or beautiful maiden...

Her hair was dark auburn, not a very bright color, considering the lack of material, it looked alright for what she had. It was tied low back. Her eyes were a lighter brown, and her skin was freckled and sunburned from the hours in the fields. She was shorter in stature, pretty thin, but her feet were kind of big for her size. Oh well, she always joked that someone with bigger feet lasted longer in the strong wind than a dainty little girl. Ha ha, she had fun with that one.

Liz would set off today, walking down the dirt path, looking back at the fleeting town of Bree in the distance, getting further and further away as she occasionally looked back. She couldn't' wait to get away from that pigsty! Now it was time for her to see the big city of Minas Tirith! That would be so exciting! Anyways...she'd been walking for hours, before she had come to a clearing. Of course things couldn't be easy for her...she'd forgotton her map! Her map! How smart was that!? She paced around for a bit, where did she leave it? She had wished she'd been better prepared...what kind of self-sufficient person was she? But...she was lucky, for as she dug through her travelling bag again she found th map; it was wedged against the side of the bag, crumpled and slightly torn. Eh, they didn't say she had to be careful with it...it wasn't like it was some great golden treasure.

...

Okay thats chapter one, just letting everyone get a feel for Liz, the next chapter is where the fun starts...Liz has her run in with the first on a long line of people she will meet on her trip, and she finds out that sometimes some people are born without any sense of self preservation.


	2. Crystalisa and Self Preservation

Crystalisa, and Self Preservation

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or anyting associated with it, (see chapter 1 disclaimer).

Liz had found her map...good. She'd figured out what direction she was going, great. Of course she also figured she had set out in the wrong direction in the first place, so imagine the faces of everyone at home when she had to just walk through Bree again and leave out the other path. It was a bit embarrasing, but that was okay, she could manage! Right? Well, it wasn't easy when everyone expected her to fail somehow. No, maybe that was too much of an assumption, but she didn't know what else to call it. She'd been laughed at, ignored, told she was meant to be seen and not heard. Well...did she believe it? She wasn't sure...especially not when she'd heard tales of women who didn't just sit and be quiet. Either way, it didn't concern her much because it was forgotton from her mind in a few minutes time.

It had reached nightfall by the time she had found her way out of the clearing and right into a forest. Of all the luck, a forest? It was dark, and strange sounds could be heard all around her, playing tricks on her mind. She imagined monsters in the dark, made of shadow, okay so she was a bit afraid of the dark. So what? Regardless she'd felt her feet ache and began to feel that prickly sting that someone has when they haven't done this much walking and working in years, if ever at all. Well didn't that make sense? She wasn't some skilled ranger, she was a farm girl from Bree trying to get to Gondor. Oh well, no use crying over it now. She'd tossed the travelling sack to the ground, and rather unceremoniously pulled off her sewn brown leather boots and tossed them aside. The moon was up now, it was pretty nice. The moon beams illuminated the path only slightly, adding to the mystery of the forest at night. She had sat on the edge of the smaller lake, dipping her feet in without any hesitation and letting out a loud sigh of relief as the cool waters soothed her aching feet.

Her eyes had shifted closed as her head slid back...this was nice. Sure it was away from any sort of people, but it was nice right here. But her tranquility would be thwarted soon, for it wasn't long before she heard the sound of something dropping into the water. That was strange...she'd pulled her feet out of the water quickly, searching for anything that might've floated to the surface. She wasn't prepared for what she saw.

"What are you doing here?!" She'd jumped at the sound of the accusatory voice, letting out a cry of fright and crawling back a few feet. The voice was clearly feminine. Liz's eyes narrowed after a brief second.

"Hey whats the point of that? Were you trying to scare me half to death?" She'd ask the origin of the voice, who merely scoffed and continued to swim in the water. Liz's eyes focused on what she could make out, and for some strange reason, the light shined right on this lake, and a naked woman was seen 'gracefully' treading water. Liz let out a sigh...so she couldn't even enjoy her privacy here? Who was this shrew?

"You don't belong in _my_ glade, only certain people may venture here..." The woman would say. Liz had opened her mouth to respond, and point out that this wasn't even a 'glade', but the woman wouldn't let her get a say in, "I'm Crystalisa, my skin is as pale as this very moonlight, my body so frail yet so strong..." Liz wanted to roll her eyes at the pointless and unfitting name, and point out yet again another contradiction...frail and strong? "My hair is beyond what yours could even imagine, so long and silky, spreading out like a curtain in the cool waters..."

"Stop with that already! I'm not blind." Liz snapped, much to the chagrin of the woman, Crystalia. "The only thing I got out of that is that you like to hear yourself talk and swim naked in cold water for attention...your point is?" She'd finished.

"Well if you'd _let_ me continue, I am waiting here for one man, he will be of royal decent, and he will discover this glade by accident. He will be enchanted by my haunting beauty, so frail yet so..."

"I got that already!" Liz half shouted.

"...Strong. I am a long lost race of water elves..."

"...what...water elves...? You do realize, that if a man catches you bathing naked...he's probably not going to want to marry you, right?" Liz asked, hoping she'd just misheard it all.

"Yes, a mysterious race of water elves, and I am the last of their kind. I'm destined to be caught bathing by this man, and I can't if your here too." The woman's logic was flawed, because even now, the reality of the unlikeliness of this Crystalisa woman coming out of this situation with anything but leeches was lost to her.

Liz had just sat still, mouth gaping at the most ridiculous story she'd ever heard. She didn't even know how to respond to it. How does one respond to that? She didn't know whether to call the woman daft or leave and hope she never found any more 'glades' for the rest of her life. "Well...well fine! I don't need your stinky little 'glade'. Oh, and its not even a glade! I passed a real glade on the way here! No one's gonna come here and find you and decide your worth marrying, if you can't even find a place to tak a bath at you have to pollute the stupid lake!" Of course, we've failed to mention that Liz's flaw was her temper, which seemed to get in the way of her making good decisions.

"I'm not polluting anything! I'm a pure, beautiful bluish white maiden elf, from the water of this glade!"

"Exactly, you shouldn't even _exist,_ what is a water elf in the first place? You don't resemble an elf at all, you don't look like a fish either. So I don't believe you. You have no flaws what so ever!"

"But elfs are perfect pale beings who bath alone in water, beautiful hair to their knees, are all wise and pure."

"No..._elves _are snotty pointy eared people who live in _settlements_ just like everyone else only they're up in trees or built normal, elves also aren't stupid enough to bath alone at night out her. They have hair the same length of about every other person in Middle Earth and don't look like they are living dead because their skin isn't the same color as a corpse." Liz replied. "I mean, look at you, you don't even have elf ears!"

"No, thats because I'm a special elf..."

"Exactly, you _shouldn't exist._ So by my logic either your crazy or rather dumb for swimming around out here waiting for a man who, if he's royalty, probably has better more important things to do besides looking for you. There's no such thing as a 'special' long lost race of elves, if so, wouldn't you be in Rhun? I hear no one's been in those parts. Why would you be here, in this lake?" Liz had snapped. Once the woman started going on about being so flawlessly beautiful no one should hate her, Liz had decided she'd had enough. She picked up her boots, and after finding a large stone in one, she angrily shoved them on and picked up her sack. She then stormed away from the lake.

"I hope you drown in that cold water." She'd scoffed under her breath. She threw the stone backwards. The woman who was now combing her long, very very long, dark blue hair had tried to stand up and off the edge of the water, but she'd stood on her own hair, causing her to fall right back in. It wasn't long until the rock hit her in the head, causing her to sink under the surface of the lake. And so, Liz had somehow managed to slay her first 'sue' The woman was crazy to Liz, and she hoped she wouldn't encounter anyone as full of herself as that one was again. But oh how wrong she was...

...

Okay well this was chapter too, as you can see, Liz's own issues really get in the way from her having a civil conversation...but its not like that woman was making it easy either. This represents one of the most over used plot points I've seen...the naked bathing beautiful mysterious woman, who for some strange reason has no self-preservation, not to mention the all around oddity of someone with that appearance. Next chapter Liz will meet a cat demon, learn another lesson in Self Preservation, and plenty of other highlights.


End file.
